I Failed My 2023 Resolutions

2024 mood

That time of year has come around again, the first week of January in which we reflect on the success of the resolutions of 2023 and ponder what we will pick for 2024.

I set pretty generic and loose goals for 2023 because I know how hard things can be to stick to and I wanted to give myself the freedom to fail, little did I know I would fail so miserably. 2023 has been a rough year for me, I struggled with chronic pain due to untreated Endometriosis for the majority of the year, and in that time I began to lose control over my body and ability to do the most basic living tasks, such as brushing my teeth or cooking a proper meal without being in such excruciating pain that I had to sit down or give up entirely. This set me back in any goals I had for the year because the one thing on my mind was hoping for treatment, which I did thankfully receive in July, and I am still in recovery mode right now.

What this has taught me is to be gentler with myself, and when framing goals for 2024, is to create a longer, more specific list of things not tied to the generics of ‘eat healthier,’ ‘lose weight,’ and ‘improve mental health.’ These are all well-intentioned resolutions, but we can easily fail them, however, if we get more specific like ‘I will go for a 30-minute walk each day,’ that contributes to at least two of those goals and can easily be beaten.

Reflecting on 2023

As you can see, I set six goals for myself in January last year, and I made progress on only two of those, so numerically that is an overwhelming fail. If I saw this list 6 months ago, I would have fallen apart, viewing this list now I am pretty damn proud of myself for even making it that close, and the one of two that I did make progress on is probably the most important.

1- Advocate for Myself

Now, you might be thinking, what does this exactly mean? For me, it means ditching the need to be a people pleaser and say how I truly feel, no matter how big or little the issue is. Whether it’s I don’t want rice for dinner or I don’t want to go to a certain social engagement to how other people’s actions or inactions truly make me feel. To say no without guilt.

This one I not only failed, but I feel like I got even worse at doing this because I had spent most of the year unwell, and my mental health hit rock bottoms close to peak 2020 pandemic era, that my brain would tell me the worst things about myself and what other people might think of me. I am still trying as 2023 draws to a close to get better at, and it is something I will take into the new year and for the rest of my life.

2- Mental Health Priority

The main goal of prioritising my mental health was to seriously look into therapy for traumas I had been through as a young adult, which would allow me to fulfill the above goal of advocating for myself without guilt and ditching the need to people please. I did look into this several times, but I was put off it because of the price mostly and the difficulty of finding a therapist I believed would be right for me. Overwhelmingly, most are white and at that time a lot of the religious trauma and anxieties relating to being South Asian and of Muslim heritage I feel like would not be fully understood by a white therapist, as it has happened before and when there is a cost attached to it, I want to make sure the person is right for me.

As my mental health crumbled alongside the intensification of the endometriosis pain pre-surgery, I had barely the capacity to keep myself alive so the admin of looking for help and getting help for long-term issues was going to be useless when I was incredibly suicidal because of the excruciating physical pain I was experiencing daily, for which I knew surgery would be the key to improving my immediate physical and mental wellbeing.

However, in November I did begin therapy! It was very late to the game in terms of a New Year’s resolution which is supposed to begin in January. It came through a recommendation from my best friend, which involved free therapy sessions with trainee therapists. I was incredibly skeptical for that very reason, but I was struggling so much with medical trauma, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, depression, spikes in anxiety, and coming to terms with having a chronic illness. So it was A LOT on my plate and I was willing to try anything because journalling was not enough.

Over a month in and it has been working really well, a twist of fate and it turns out the trainee I was paired with has gone through the same surgery I have, albeit a different diagnosis, but she is well aware of the health care system, the feelings I went through and that is the area of mental health treatment she is looking to specialise in. This time I have learned why my body is reacting in certain ways, how to control panic attacks, and taking an approach that works for me. It’s a tailored approach to both the panic but also the complexities of coming to terms with a chronic health condition, which has a lot of uncertainty attached to it.

The two things that I appreciate compared to my last experience is that my therapist is honest and that not all methods will work for me and we can find the ones that do. Secondly, I am validated in my thinking, that my future is uncertain and it is bleak, in the sense there is no cure for endometriosis and no real treatment, there is a good chance it could come back and it is fine to worry about that, and the complications that come with it, but I don’t have to let that fear ruin my life. I know I could have moments of pain that trigger back to when I was at my worst, but I am better equipped to deal with it and with time I will learn to not view this as a weakness or setback, but a part of my life.

3- Read a Book a Month

I really wanted this to be achievable, but I did read 7 books, so I’ll take that as almost completed. I had a big blip during the worst parts of the endo journey, being so exhausted after getting through working that reading was the last thing I wanted to do. But, I have added many PDFs to my e-reader and I have a few physical books on Sufism that I want to dive into going in 2024.

I dove back into the world of fiction, something I hadn’t explored since I was a teenager, to be honest. Most of my reading list as an adult has been historical and political non-fiction. This year, I enjoyed the dreamy, romanticness of ‘Six Days in Rome,’ the bizarreness of ‘Bunny’ and the truly heart-wrenching storytelling of Ella King’s ‘Bad Fruit,’ which is my recommendation for 2024. The book tells the story of cycles of familial abuse through the perspective of the youngest of three siblings, Lily. I have never had a book that has made me cry and this book had me in tears twice.

For 2024, I aim to learn more about the history of the global south, the feminist history of South Asia and engage with more radical leftist political literature and environmental lit. As well as, exploring more works of fiction and rediscovering my love of poetry.

4- Travel More

This is the one goal I ended up fulfilling, I went to Paris, London, Glasgow, Rhodes, Berlin, and Brighton in 2023. The main takeaway from traveling this year is that you can travel to relax. I was always in the mindset of having to see and do everything possible in the city for the holiday to feel worth it. But, with my physical impairments this year, I really appreciated the week in Rhodes, which was mostly spent in the pool, reading, wandering around the island, through the old town and the hills to a cheap tapas place that served a vegan pizza which was very much not vegan. There were no early get-ups and I had to slow down because of my body and it was something I needed.

I still enjoy the city breaks and the fast-paced exploring, but I have a newfound respect for just eating good food and walking around a new city or island, and I am looking forward to doing more of that in 2024.

5- Journal Daily

This one I failed miserably at, mostly because I would only journal if something terrible had happened instead of writing about the good days and the boring days. I have learned a new way to journal now, which is beneficial for people with periods and/or chronic pain. I now write down where I am at in my menstrual cycle, so I can see how that impacts my pain and mood, but also write where exactly I have been in pain and how long it lasts. It helps to visualise if a day has been good/bad and I can see that one week I might have been in pain all week but it hasn’t bothered me enough, and overall in a month I have X amount of good days and X amount of bad days, where they happen in my cycle and how I can prepare for them, and even if I can’t I can see my feelings are justified based on how my body is feeling.

I also purchased myself a reading journal to encourage me to read more, but also document what I have read to engage with the texts I am reading better.

6- Gym More + Eat Better

Another disastrous fail, but it is something I am trying to use as a recovery tool now instead of the goal of losing weight and being thin. My hips, abdominal and pelvic muscles are so weakened by the Endometriosis pain that after a day out in the city centre, shopping and having lunch to marching in the Palestine protests, causes my body to seize and flare-ups to begin in those very areas of my body because they have been under a great deal of stress. My focus is to get over my fear of using weights at the gym and try and strengthen these muscles so I can enjoy life with minimal pain.

In terms of eating better, I am excited to explore cooking again, new recipes, and making breakfast exciting because it is something that is a second thought, something to shovel at my desk or just skip entirely in the week. A friend of mine said her way of enjoying food and ensuring she eats well is to make it look pretty, and I have to say trying this over the last week does make the experience a lot better, as we do eat with our eyes!

What’s in store for 2024?

I am still ruminating about this, as I mentioned at the beginning I want to make more specific resolutions centered around creating healthier habits and routines, becoming more politically involved and engaging in community work, getting out of my comfort zone, and spending more time with the people that I love and make me feel loved.

Did you complete your 2023 New Year’s resolutions? What are you thinking about committing to in the New Year?

Comment below, I’d love to know!